i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
