no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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