I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
