I need to stop coming to work sober
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
