We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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