my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize