if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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