paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
