i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
