Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
