We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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