wrigley field is MILF paradise
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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