she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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