why do cheetos always look like penises
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
