He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize