I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
