bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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