she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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