In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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