good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
