as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
