I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
