why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
