yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Define "chronic" masturbator.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
