Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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