i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You're like the curious george of whores
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
