I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
