u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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