i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
