Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
