i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
