Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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