Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
