I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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