but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
