Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
