On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
