wrigley field is MILF paradise
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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