I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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