I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
