im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize