I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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