um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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