The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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