I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think I sprained my soul last night
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
