We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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