Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
