Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
