You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
