Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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