You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
