cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
