just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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