if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
