My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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