can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i was born a porn star she said
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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