if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
