My first STD was from a foam party
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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